Dear World

At the end of 2015, we found out that we were pregnant!

Expecting.

With child.

And all those other beautiful cliches.

And then 2016 started and suddenly we weren’t.

It only took one swipe of the ultrasound stick to end our almost 12 week pregnancy. One swipe was all it took to end all of the planning, cancel all our dreams, and shatter my heart.

On the screen, where not just 2 weeks before we had heard and seen the rapid beating heart of our much wanted baby, we saw darkness.

That moment will forever be seared in my brain. The nurse’s happy chatter stopping. The wand slowly moving back and forth, back and forth as if it was searching for a sign of hope. The screen being quickly turned away from our sight. The nurse’s sad eyes slowly meeting my husband’s and then mine. Her pursed lips trying to form the words to tell us that there was no heartbeat detected but my own.

I never really understood when people said that “seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours”. I do now.

Coming home to an apartment that would no longer be filled with toys, tiny clothes, and baby sounds was almost too terrible to bear.

I don’t think my grieving will ever truly end. This moment in my life will forever follow me. When I fill out medical information, I will have to list all pregnancies and miscarriages and live births. My D&C will have to be disclosed as a previous surgery.

Writing is part of my grieving and hopefully telling my story will help me heal.

2016, you suck.